This one comes from Shahirose:

A new sign in the Bank Lobby reads: "Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through teller machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles. Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts.

After months of careful research, MALE & FEMALE procedures have been developed.

Please follow the appropriate steps for your gender

MALE PROCEDURE:

1. Drive up to the cash machine.
2. Put down your car window.
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6. Put window up.
7. Drive off.

FEMALE PROCEDURE:

1. Drive up to cash machine.
2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.
3. Set parking brake, put the window down.
4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.
5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up
6. Attempt to insert card into machine.
7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.
8. Insert card.
9. Reinsert card the right way.
10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.
11. Enter PIN.
12. Press cancel and reenter correct PIN.
13. Enter amount of cash required.
14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.
15. Retrieve cash and receipt.
16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.
17. Write debit amount in check register and place receipt in back of checkbook.
18. Recheck makeup.
19. Drive forward 2 feet.
20. Reverse back to cash machine.
21. Retrieve card.
22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided.
23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.
24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.
25. Redial person on cell phone.
26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
27. Release Parking Brake.

Over the years I have lost touch with most of the friends that I went to high school with. It is almost entirely my fault because I don't visit home too often and when I do visit home, my visits are typically short because of time constraints. I really regret losing touch with them because of all the experiences and growing we all did together. I think another reason why I don't visit home as often is because ever since I moved away I haven't really had a place that I feel is my home. My Mom re-married and moved into Doug's house, so it never felt like my home because I never lived there. As much as I appreciate the generous hospitality I receive when I visit, it still just doesn't feel like my home to me. I suppose when I buy a house some day I will make it my home.

Since I've been on the topic of bathroom humour this month, I figured I'd share 2 more stories with you.

The first story is from a couple days ago. I was at work and I went on the elevator and there was an older Asian man already on the elevator. He gave me an odd look and when I breathed in, I could tell that he had passed gas right before I got on the elevator. We've all been in that situation where we do it hoping that nobody will get on the elevator, but as soon as you let it out, the elevator conveniently stops and somebody gets on. You could tell he felt very awkward about the whole situation. He rushed out of there as soon as we got to the ground level.

The second story is from a few short moments ago. I was in the bathroom and I called my cousin to ask him for the details about his concert tonight. (For those interested, he's playing at El Mocambo, it's on Spadina Ave. near College - http://www.panicandtherebels.com/tour/) Anyway, I figured I can call him from the bathroom and he wouldn't know, or even if he knew, he wouldn't care. But his step-Dad answered the phone. A few seconds into the conversation, after I told him it was me calling, I must have moved the wrong way because the automatic flush on the toilet went off. And it wasn't one of those quick flushes. It lasted for about 20 seconds, and the whole time I couldn't talk to him because it was so loud. After it was done flushing I told him I was embarrassed and I let him go immediately. I GOT BUSTED! He thought it was funny.

A popular Torono women's running group "JeansMarines" has been banned from taking part in the 2006 Marine Corps Marathon in Washington. Apparently the founder of the group Dr. Jean Marmoreo led her group through a shortcut to cut of 6.4 kilometres of the race this year.

Her runners made it to the finish line and accepted the "finisher's medal" given by the Marine Corps to all who complete the course. (Most of those medals, apparently including Marmoreo's own, have reportedly been returned.)

I can't believe a running group would go through such measures to cheat on a marathon. To me, competing in running races is totally for myself. I set a goal to finish the race and do the best I can. I couldn't imagine cheating on a race, because I think I'd feel like I was cheating myself. If there was money involved, I can understand how people might become greedy, but cheating on something you're doing for yourself can only make you feel worse about yourself.

Last night I did something for the first time. I've always wanted to do it, but I didn't want to be "that guy". I was in a club last night and I had a ten-minute argument with my bowels. Let's just say that my bowels won and I took care of business inside the cozy little bathroom in the nightclub. Almost every person that walked in the bathroom as I was "dropping the kids off at the pool" either had a comment to make about the revolting odour or they actually choked or gagged upon entering. Having been slightly intoxicated I had a giggle every time I heard someone choke or gag or make a comment. One witty comment was "it smells like something died in here". I exited the washroom like a ninja in an attempt to avoid any awkward eye contact with one of the "gaggers".

*Disclaimer: The picture below is not mine. I posted it for fun.


Photo of filthy human excrement compliments of BubbleGoose.com

On Wednesday President Bush gave Japanese Prime Minister Junichiro Koizumi a Segway scooter as a gift. President Bush considers the Japanese Prime Minister to be a good buddy. He told a news conference today "Prime Minister Koizumi is one of my best friends in the international community. I know the prime minister well. I trust his judgment. I admire his leadership."

Bush also told the Prime Minister he gave his mother and father Segways for their birthdays and added that he felt Koizumi was almost one of the family.

I think Prime Minister Koizumi should return the favour and give President Bush some knee pads as a gift. That would be pretty funny.

President Bush is currently on a trip to Asia to promote "Democracy" and "Free Trade". With China's growing economy and military, it's critical that the President jump on the opportunity to have a good relationship with China. It's a great business opportunity for the United States to take advantage of. On the other hand, China's economy and military are a threat to the United States; so what better way to address this issue then to visit US's close ally Japan. A close relationship with Japan helps increase US power against the threat of China. US support of Taiwan allows Bush to promote democracy in China citing Taiwan as an example of a model modern democracy. Supporting Taiwan is a touchy subject in China, so Bush can't let this get in the way of business discussions with China.

Bush's Asia trip comes at a time where polls suggest that his support is at an all time low in the wake of the Hurricane Katrina tragedy, the war in Iraq, and continuous scandals with government officials.

I find it absurd that a President can be impeached for fooling around with an intern, but another can stay in the office for 5 years with disaster after disaster, scandals revealed, corporate conflicts of interest with high ranking government officials and misleading a country to war that will likely end up with a puppet running a country of 26 million people. You can be sure that dozens of US companies will get rich from contracts in Iraq for many years to come. Iraq will turn into a greedy corporate run country. There will be Wal Marts in every town and the rich will get richer. I guess it's better if a bunch of greedy white Americans get rich rather than one dictator. But how much better is it really? Is it worth the soldier's lives?

Yesterday was the day that we remember the heroes who fought in the World wars. The moment of silence is an intimate and important time to remember and respect the millions of people who stood up and fought for freedom. Last year I wrote a Remembrance day message.

This year I will tell you about my trip on the elevator a few days ago. A gentleman in his thirties was on the elevator with me. After noticing my poppy he told me about how he came across a World War 2 veteran who was selling poppies. He took notice to the several medals attached to the elderly veteran's jacket. After receiving the donated money and handing over the poppy, the veteran said "Thank you very much". The gentleman receiving the poppy was speechless and thought it to be unnecessary for the veteran to thank him for anything; after everything this man had done for his country and for this world. So he said to the veteran with a tear in his eye, "No, thank you, thank you so much".

Don't get too caught up in this title; this entry is not about me thank you very much. I was having a chat on MSN with my buddy's girlfriend. He has been backpacking Asia for the last 10 weeks, so she's obviously dying to see him. So when he signed on and started talking to her, she said to me "Just sex". She meant to say "Just a sec" and she corrected herself afterwards.

It's quite obvious what's on her mind right now after not seeing him for such a long period of time. ;)

Props to Karolyn for identifying this as a "Freudian Slip"

On September 19th, the US yanked a document entitled "Doctrine for Joint Nuclear Operations" from the Pentagon website which outlines US nuclear warfighting plans, including the pre-emptive use of nuclear weapons and the use of nukes in conventional war. It is quite disturbing and hypocritical that the US is considering a nuclear option in this day in age. Furthermore, the document condones pre-emptive nuclear strikes against nations (even those without nuclear weapons) which the US government thinks might use chemical or biological weapons against US forces or allies.

Greenpeace has posted this document on their website to generate awareness after the US Government decided to pull it from the pentagon website. Pentagon spokesperson Lawrence DiRita claims "Even in an unclassified world this is not the kind of thing you want flying around the Internet."

Here's a quote from the document:
"Executing a nuclear option, or even a portion of an option, should send a clear signal of United States' resolve. Hence, options must be selected very carefully and deliberately so that the attack can help ensure the adversary recognizes the "signal" and should therefore not assume the United States has escalated to general nuclear war, although that perception cannot be guaranteed."

The document even challenges international law to justify the use of nuclear weapons. It concludes that "no customary or conventional international law prohibits nations from employing nuclear weapons in armed conflict."

Read more about this ridiculousness on the Greenpeace website. Or download a copy of the document.

In this overpopulated world of ours, everything we do is guided by rules and laws. Signage on our streets would appear to maintain control and reduce traffic collisions. But do the plethora of signs and traffic lights on our streets really reduce collisions and maintain order? Or do they simply make us unattentive and distract us while driving?

A friend of mine informed me about a highly innovative road design in Holland that addresses said issue. The town of Drachten in the Netherlands is a town with no traffic signals, side walks or speed limits. Here is an excerpt from author Paulo Coelho on the town of Drachten:

The idea came from an engineer called Hans Mondermann. He was working for the Dutch government in the 70s when he began to think that the only way to reduce the growing number of traffic accidents was to make the drivers fully responsible for what they did.

The only measure he took was to diminish the width of the roads that passed through villages by using red bricks instead of asphalt, remove the central line that separates the two flows of traffic, destroy the curbs, and fill the verges with fountains and relaxing landscapes – so that the people stuck in traffic jams could be distracted while they waited. Then came the radical decision to take down all the traffic lights and put an end to the speed limit.

When they first entered the town, the 6,000 motorists who passed by every day were astonished: where can I turn? Who has the right of way? And so they began to pay twice as much attention to what was going on around them. Two weeks later, the average speed was under 30 km/h in places like Drachten. Monderman proclaimed loud and clear:
“If a pedestrian is about to cross the street, of course the cars will have to stop: our grandparents taught us the rules of courtesy.”

So far this has been a success. I reached the airport thinking that Monderman did not just implement a traffic experience, he did something much deeper than that. After all, as he himself says:
“If you treat people like idiots, they will behave according to the rules, and nothing else. But if you give them responsibility, they will know how to use it.”

Monderman's "distraction theory" removes anything from the road that might distract a driver and cause a collision. I think it's an interesting test to see how people will behave if they aren't governed by strict rules and having them held accountable for their actions.

I'd love to see a pilot of this same theory in North America. I think it could be a success in a busy downtown area with narrow streets where traffic is already slow moving. I don't think it would work on the streets of New York where roads are 6 lanes wide.

Could you imagine having the ability to find out the salary of any friend, co-worker or relative? Or anybody else in your country?

In Finland, tax information is public, so every year when last year's tax records become public there is a mad rush of people snooping on their friends and family to see what they earned last year. There is even a company that offers a service where you can receive income details on every person in Finland via mobile text message.

On one hand I think it would be interesting to have access to this information, but on the other hand you are probably better off not knowing, because you will most likely be jealous or offended when you come across someone who makes a lot more than you think they should be making. But you'd probably be surprised when looking at it; People can hide what they make very well by either living a lavish lifestyle on credit, or living a humble lifestyle on a large salary with stacks of cash in the bank.